The Art of of Booger-Picking
by Kevvy Talks
Summary: What happens when our favorite Bleach characters have a bothersome booger?
1. Espadas

**The Art of Booger-Picking**

**Characters/Pairings: Various**

**Rating: T**

**Genre: Humor**

**Summary: What happens when the Espadas have a bothersome booger?**

* * *

**Coyote Starrk: **Starrk nonchalantly shoved his finger up his nostril, digging for gold. He made mumbled noises of approval like, "Uh-huh...Uh-huh" as he searched for the booger that had been irritating him so.

After a moment, he pulled his finger away with a dessicated spot of mucous stuck to his nail and conspicuously wiped it on the underside of his pillow. He then proceeded to pass out back to the sweet dreams he'd been entertaining before.

**Lillinette Gingerback: **She flicks her boogers at whoever happens to be standing near her.

Once, she hit Szayel square in the cheek as he passed her in the hall.

The esteemed scientist paused, wiped his cheek, inspected his glove, and then burst out screaming at the sight of the glob that had been stuck to his magnificent face. Flailing, he turned and ran face-first into a wall and knocked himself out. Lilllinette laughed her ass off at his expense.

**Barragan Luisenbarn: **"Shit," the King of Hueco Mundo grumbled, for no apparent reason that his Fracción could see. Ggio came forth to see what the problem was this time. "My lord?" he inquired.

"This infernal thing in my nose is pissing me off! One of you, do something!" He waved at them, and Charlotte discreetly backed towards the rear of the group so that he would be less likely to be chosen.

Ggio looked appalled when Barragan glowered in his direction. "Well?" he snarled.

His subordinate inched towards him slowly...

Elsewhere in Los Noches, the duel personalities that were Aaroniero vomited inside their tank as they got a telepathic transmission that Barragan had made his poor Fracción shove their finger into his nose to search for a booger.

**Tia Harribel: **With her collar covering most of her face, she doesn't breathe in any debri, therefore boogers never happen.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer: **He endures it, like everything else in life. Picking at it would just be degrading.

**Nnoitora Jiruga: **Nnoitora looked at the booger stuck to his bony finger with an almost bothered expression. He was on his way to a meeting, and he couldn't show up with this damn thing on his finger like some blooming idiot.

So he did what he always did with these things: He rushed up behind Tesla and wiped it off on the back of his jacket with all the other dried boogers there.

Later, Tesla would look bewildered when Apache and Hallibel's Fracciónes laughed their asses off at the decoration on his uniform.

He would never even know they were there until his outfit became sullied in a battle, which was as uncommon as it was unlikely to happen. So, basically, Tesla would go around for months with petrified mucous on his back and become the victim of countless jokes until Aizen became disgusted and told him to change.

**Grimmjow Jeagerjaques: **This tea tasted like cat piss. Then again, Aizen's tea always tasted like cat piss... Grimmjow sighed as Tousen droned on about the path of least bloodshed and the path of Justice, which were so mind-numbing and asinine he was beginning to question the difference between the fucking two.

Was this really why they'd been summoned? To listen to Tousen's lecture?

Grimmjow sniffled and brazenly shoved his finger up his nose right in front of Aizen. He dug for several excruciating minutes before retreiving the digit.

A long string of snot connected the inches between his finger and his nose. The flimsy mucous eventually gave way and plopped into the cup of tea in front of Grimmjow. Aizen's eyes narrowed dangerously and his jaw clenched with barely concealed fury.

Grimmjow laughed loudly, silencing Tousen, who looked less than pleased by this interruption, and hawked a loogie into the cup.

Aizen sentenced him to a week of continuous lectures by...Tousen.

"NOOOOOOO!"

**Zommari Leroux: **"With my Amour, there is no need."

**Szayel Aporro Grantz: **Szayel has created a mini-vacuum that can sunction boogers from both nostrils.

He introduced it to the Espadas at the meeting hall.

"Now, all you have to do is simply press the button," he said, and did as he'd just instructed. The tiny cylindrical device whirred to life. "Then, simply press it to the area."

Szayel smiled with pride as he placed the tiny duel suction cup to his left nostril, but his expression quickly morphed to horror as the suction increased.

He screamed hysterically as his nose hairs were ripped out by the intense suction.

Grimmjow just laughed his ass off with everybody else while Starrk miraculously slept through the high-pitched wailing Szayel was making as the device ripped out the last of his nose hairs, resulting in massive hemmorhaging.

**Aaroniero Arruruerie: **He breathes fluid from his tank, so he never has that problem.

**Yammy Rialgo: **He's always picking his nose.


	2. Captains

**What happens when the captains have a booger?**

* * *

**Shigekuni Yamamoto Genryusai: **With extensive training, Yamamoto now has nose muscles strong enough to expel boogers without him lifting a finger.

**Soi Fon: **That is confidential information.

**Gin Ichimaru (former captain): **Boogers are repelled by his smile.

**Rose Otorabashi: **He uses a tissue to clean his nose out and then gets inspiration for a song from it.

**Retsu Unohana: **Boogers are repelled by her in general.

**Sosuke Aizen (former captain): **Aizen languidly slid his thin finger up his nose and retrieved the booger. He pulled his hand back and stared at the morsel stuck to his digit, as though it was of only minor significance. He then proceeded to wipe it on his royal throne and turn his attention back to his subjects, who had all just witnessed his degrading act.

"L-Lord Aizen," one of the Arrancars asked, lifting his finger questioningly above the crowd, "did you just wipe your booger on your chair?"

Aizen simply blinked. "Yes, I did. Is that a problem?"

Hushed whispers rippled throughout the swarm.

"Lord Aizen is so bold!" murmured one.

"We should do that too!" said another.

A week later, all the Arrancars in Soul Society apart from the Espadas had made a habit of wiping their boogers anywhere convenient. The most common sights were the walls, under the table, or even on other Arrancars. The fad only lasted several days before it got seriously nasty and a major clean-up was in order.

**Shinji Hirako: **Shinji walked into the kitchen with his finger plugged in his nose. "Um, Hiyori, I'm hungry. Care for take-out?" He pulled his finger back with a disgusting glob of hard viscous shit stuck to it. He flicked it across the room and looked to her for confirmation that they were getting take-out.

"HOW CAN I FUCKING EAT AFTER WHAT I JUST SAW?" she shrieked, and stomped out of the room.

"I'll take that as yes?" Shinji called after her, not at all perturbed by her reaction.

**Byakuya Kuchiki: **Byakuya Kuchiki of the prestigious Kuchiki family never _picked _at his nose, not in his entire life. He always carried some type of handkerchief on his person, and whenever the urge arose, he would, in the most serene fashion possible, delicately pluck the offending booger, fold the handkerchief, and dispose of it. That, my friends, is the art of booger-picking in its finest form.

**Sajin Komamura: **Sajin Komamura flew under the radar better than captain Soi Fon, which is hard to believe taking into account his unusual size and appearance. So when someone asked his lieutenant if he had ever been spied picking his nose, there was no answer for that.

**Love Aikawa (former captain): **"C'mon, everybody's gotta do it some time. I know I gotta do it. Like right now." He didn't care to entertain us with a demonstration.

**Shunsui Kyoraku: **"Are you kidding me? And scare all the pretty girls away? The only time I ever do that is when I'm in the john."

**Kensei Muguruma: **"No comment." Though everybody knows he must do it...

**Kaname Tousen (former captain): **"Only if the path of least bloodshed deems it necessary..."

**Toshiro Hitsugaya: **"I won't dignify that with an answer..."

**Rangiku Matsumoto: **"Of course you do, captain! I clearly remember seeing you picking your nose while you were doing paperwork. He does it when nobody is around."

**Toshiro Hitsugaya: **"RANGIKUUUU!"

**Isshin Shiba (former captain)**: "Of course I do! I pick my nose all the time! Wanna see?"

**Kenpachi Zaraki: **Of course he picks his nose. Everybody in squad 11 picks their nose, regardless of where they are. It's not uncommon for Kenpachi to wipe his boogers on his paperwork where other divisions will find it when it is received. That just goes to show his intense dislike of paperwork.

**Mayuri Kurotsuchi: **"I don't have such problems." But we all knew that anyway...

**Ukitake Jushiro: **Everybody likes Ukitake so much, they could never imagine him doing such a degrading act. So let's just say for the moment that Ukitake repels all bodily functions that woud blind us to think of them.


End file.
